i went to see our priest tonight with my parents. there wasn’t a mass or anything, we just met him in his office and i held my tears back as my parents told him what was going on and requested that i be “anointed” (ya know, like the anointing of the sick…). we prayed and stuff. it was kinda nice. i felt better. idk…
“…levels of serotonin in couples who are madly in love are comparable to people suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. So, also as long suspected, love is an obsession.”—Why Do We Fall In Love? (via amandarae)
did anyone really expect me to be in a good mood tonight…? and it doesn’t help that people don’t think before they speak. i’ve had so much stupid shit spewed at me and i’ve had enough. everyone thinks they’re helping but they’re not.
i’d really appreciate it if everyone stopped trying to make things sound better than they are. stop trying to “show me the positives” of my situation. for me, there are no positives. there’s just a fucking shittastic situation that i’m stuck in.
can everyone just go away… please…? the only people who make me feel slightly better are the people who say, “good luck, i hope everything turns out okay” and leave it at that. the people who think that if they keep talking something smart will come out are the worst. and those people need to shut up and leave me alone.
Hey Christine, I really hope everything goes well for you tomorrow. The only surgery I've ever had was when I had my tonsils taken out a year ago so I even can't imagine what you're going through. Good luck<3.
thanks sabrina <3 i’ll let you know how everything goes!
i can’t handle this. i don’t want to have surgery. i don’t want to hear the results of my biopsy. i don’t want to be told i’ll lose all my hair. i don’t want the next few months of my life to consist of IV needles and pain. i’ve always been so happy and now i feel like my entire life is falling apart right in front of me. and no matter how hard i try, nothing i do will put it back together. i just have to wait. i’m so sick of crying and being scared and not knowing what will happen.
i’m so scared.
and all i want is for someone to hold my hand and lie to me and tell me it will all be okay.
we were in school together for 9 years. at first our friendship was secret because when you’re 6 years old being friends with a boy isn’t the cool thing to do. we denied rumors that we were “in love” and continued our friendship. we didn’t care what anyone thought. we graduated together and went to different high schools… but it didn’t matter because we were still best friends. nothing could come between us. then college came… and you started smoking. i lost you.
i messaged you a week ago about what’s going on with me because i need you the most right now. i know you saw the message because you have updated your facebook status twice since i sent it. did you ignore the message? did you even read what i had to say? did you read it and just not care? i’m so hurt.
i would text or call you, but you never answer anyway…
every time i get a new message i pray it’s from you. it never is, though…
so many people have told me they’re praying for me. it makes me feel better… and it’s not the fact that people are praying for me. it’s the fact that people are taking the time out to think about me and hope i get better. people care about me… even people i don’t know. a guy my dad works with told his church my “story” and now the entire church is praying for me. somewhere in the state of new york, a church full of people i have never met, are hoping nothing bad happens to me. it feels good to be blessed…
i had my pre-operation exam thing today… my appointment was at 1:00pm and i only found out it was at that time at 12:20 and i hadn’t even showered yet. so what did i do? jumped in the shower. i managed to take a shower, dry my hair, put my makeup on and get dressed in a half hour. of course by then it was 12:50 and the doctor’s office was… a half hour away! yayyyyyy so we ended up getting to the doctor 15 minutes late. ANYWAY, first i was “examined” and was told that everything looked good on the outside (no kidding) and then i was explained, for the millionth time, what my surgery would be like on friday. then i found out i have to be at the hospital AT 5AM ON FRIDAY for a 7:30am surgery. 5 in the fucking morning. anyway, i’m gonna have a small incision on the left side of my chest (above my left boob, if you really wanna get specific) and they’re gonna go in with a little camera or some shit and take out a cubic centimeter of the “mass.” i say why don’t they just take the whole damn thing out now, but whatever. so then the nurse started saying something about lungs collapsing and at that point i stopped listening because i don’t care to know what may or may not happen to me while i’m under anesthesia. thennnnn i was “relocated” next door where they took forever and a day to take MORE of my blood (honestly, it’s amazing i have any left and that my arm is still attached to my body), take ANOTHER ekg (which tells them what my heart is doing), and take ANOTHER chest xray (which will show that i have pnuemonia - but then doctor’s will realize it’s not pneumonia … it’s a mass!) and then some lady came in and shoved a q-tip SO FAR UP MY NOSE i thought it was going to come out my nose and informs me it’s to check for staph infections (?). anyway, by the time all this nonsense was over i was so lightheaded and wanted to die and then i realized it was 3:30 and that i had wasted approximately 2 and a half hours of my life being poked by doctors and nurses.
also, i have never been asked so many times in my life, “IS THERE A POSSIBILITY THAT YOU COULD BE PREGNANT?” believe me when i tell you, “NO.” they all look at me like i’m lying to them. yeah, like i’m really well enough to go and get myself pregnant.
i’m really, REALLY not looking forward to friday. i’m scared for my life. i’ve never had surgery before. and i really don’t want to hear any bad news. i don’t want my life to change for the worse. i don’t want to be strong anymore. i really just want this to be over.
EDIT: AND ALSO, I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES I HAVE TO SAY THAT I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW I’M FEELING OR DEALING WITH ALL THIS SHIT. AND I’M GETTING REALLY SICK OF READING EVERYONE’S COMPLAIN-Y STATUSES ON FACEBOOK. LIKE, SHUT THE FUCK UP, NO ONE CARES. GET A THERAPIST IF YOU REALLY NEED THAT MUCH HELP. MY GOD. there is so much worse out there. people are suffering and dying every day and people are complaining that they have no one to go to the BAR with? are you fucking serious? your lives do not suck. i promise. my life doesn’t even suck. i’m just fucking sick of everyone.
ps, today i deleted some random guido i went to high school with off of my facebook because he wouldn’t stop sending me club invitations. like, i don’t give two shits if you’re bar tending and if it’s FREE ADMISSION if i say “blah blah blah” at the door. do i look like i want to party with you? no. anyway, it was kind of liberating…
i feel weird today. i can’t explain what it is. i guess my chest hurts? i don’t really know. but i want it to go away… i want to feel normal again.
we’re going to meet Lea today at 1:30 which means i need to start getting ready soon. everything i do lately has been slowed down about 50% so i take even LONGER to get ready than i usually do. it’s horrible.